i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
