woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mom said you looked used
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
