I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
is it fun? or sober?
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