If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
