I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
