Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
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You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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