I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
