if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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