this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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