i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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