You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
