Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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