I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
