i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
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2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
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Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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