woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
What a dumb baby whore.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
