I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
i now understand why vodka
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
