Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I think people are normalizing furries
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
