Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.