I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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