There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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