i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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