If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
