I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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