Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
