You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
