summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
