She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
