***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
