Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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