He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
