Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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