PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
