They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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