I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
