Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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