Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
