Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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