a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
