Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
