I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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