it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
