Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
