I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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