Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
