I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
