Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
