I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
