Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
