ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
