Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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