so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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