I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
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Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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