I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
