threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
