i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
